I woke up today --- not feeling anything. I am not happy. I am not sad. I am not elated. I am not depressed either. I am just smack right into the middle of my feelings. I am content and not desiring all at the same time. It’s actually pretty amazing if you think about it.
So what’s the problem?
Well that’s the point. I am not feeling anything. No desire. No joy. No sadness. Crazy as it may sound, I actually had to “force cry” myself last night just to feel something. In all honesty though, I have failed miserably on that. I wasn’t also able to cry.
And so, it’s official. I have become numb on life. I have lost the ability to feel pleasure.
How can this happen though?
One moment I was ecstatic finally being able to love myself and be happy with it. Next moment I am now in the middle. I guess, the honeymoon phase have already died down and this is the part where you start to keep on working with the current relationship that you do have.
How do you keep the fire burning? Where do you go? What do you do?
My answer: just like any relationship that you know is meant to be --- you have to fight back --- HARD.
And so, I centered myself and listened. “Okay, Aries. What do you want to do?”
I had a notion that I wanted to go to Greenhills and shop around. Maybe visit my favorite restaurant --- Roots. And so, I did just that. No questions. I even bought a book that was surprisingly 50% off! After that, I went to my sister’s place and visited her. It has been a while. It was fun. I even got to play with my niece.
The day ended with me planning a nice date for myself. I took a nice long shower, complete with body scrub, hair wash, rinse and condition. I moisturized myself and laid out my best date clothing. After primping myself, I went out, wet hair and all and proceeded to eat in a restaurant that I have always wanted to visit alone but feel awkward in --- Outback steakhouse.
Oh don’t be over dramatic, Aries. Why would you feel awkward with that? You would ask.
As soon as I have approached the restaurant, the usher asked me if I was with “somebody”, am I looking for “someone” or at least waiting for “him”. I answered, “No. I am alone.” She asked me if I wanted to sit at the bar. “The bar” --- where singles are forced to eat because the rest of the tables are actually for big groups. Well, I am a big group. So I asked for a table in a quiet corner.
The restaurant was bustling and yes, I am the only ONE person inside there. Everyone else was in a big group, but I didn’t feel like a sad sack. It was actually liberating. I am now free to savor and smell every bite of my food and laugh at the jokes that my new book was making. I ended the night with coffee in my favorite café --- Recession coffee. Never have I felt so rejuvenated with a cup. And with these, I GOT MY PLEASURE BACK.
So, long story short --- how do you get pleasure back in life when you feel numb about it? Listen to yourself and just follow without question. You’ll never know until it leads you to a funny book, luxurious shower, delectable dinner and fantastic coffee.
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