This thought occurred to me around 7:58 am, right after I did my morning rituals. I actually don’t hate myself --- after all this time.
You see, I thought in the past years of my life, I have so much hatred for myself, I don’t even know why. I kept on thinking, only if I become like this, this, this, then I will be able to look myself in the eye and say, “hey! I finally love you!”
I knew I hated myself. Until recently when I have discovered an epiphany --- “No amount of love, effort and commitment can ever make anyone stay or love you. So might as well give it all to yourself.” From then on, it has been a “wedded bliss” with myself.
But back to my original point. Why did I say that all throughout those years before I had that epiphany, I actually did love myself after all?
Because I kept on going. No matter what I said and thought about myself. No matter how low I felt or ugly I saw. I kept on going. I kept on living.
I still took care of myself. In fact, whenever I felt down, I saw myself try to talk to friends and seek comfort. Whenever I feel ugly, I go to my favorite salon for a simple mani and pedi. Whenever I feel lost, I resort to my spirituality or inspirational books. Whenever I think that I am a loser, I look at Erzullie and realize how secretly, as these clothes hang or rest in an Erzulliesta’s closet --- I am part of their lives.
I think that the hatred was just so apparent that I wasn’t able to see the little things that I did to myself to make sure that I kept on going. And if I found myself worthy of the “keep on going” path --- then I did love myself after all.
I may not be the next person to change the whole world in the massive scale, but I saw me. I saw myself and said, “Hey, you maybe thinking all of these ugly and not really true thoughts, but I still love you and I will sustain you until you realize how beautiful you are.”
I stuck by myself, like that great lover that will be with me through thick and thin. And the result? Here I am. Writing this article. I am alive. I am well and I finally said to myself more than a month ago, “I love you”.
Surprise ladies! If you are still here despite all the self-criticism that you have thrown at yourself, check it out. Reflect. You are still here. Therefore you took care of yourself and taking care of yourself means that you love yourself after all. Deep inside you is that lover. Get her out of the friendzone and start your greatest love affair today!
Erzullie is a fierce plus size fashion designer brand from the Philippines dedicated to serving the style of the empowered Erzulliesta. Shop online: www.erzullie.com